Parenting, depression and THE BIG LIE

I went to a new massage therapist today. I mentioned during conversation that I had experienced reasonably severe post natal depression, and had been in a mother baby unit for six weeks. I talked about my experience, and about how important I think it is to be real about parenting, and what a difficult job it is, and how vital it is to support other parents. I had spoken at some length before she admitted that she had also gone into psychiatric care with her first baby.

We talked for some time about the trials of breastfeeding, and reflux, and feeling to blame for everything. The utter despair of being a mother, and how difficult and unrewarding the first six or more months can be. She seemed amazed that our stories were so similar. I said that I think most mothers have very similar stories, but there is a conspiracy of silence, of parental one-upmanship, that stops us from sharing the truth of parenting, and supporting each other through the difficult times. Perpetuating the idea that motherhood is all sunshine-and-smiles-and-never-a-cross-word helps no-one, and totally undermines the huge achievement that is parenting.

I feel like I have become an activist, through the subversive act of telling it like it is.

They* say that you don't know love until you have a baby. I say you don't know despair, anger or anguish either. Life with a baby is not like in the nappy ads. I spent the first six months of motherhood crying on the couch with my boobs out. It is tough. I love my child. I wanted my child so much that I went through IVF to get her. That does not mean I don't want to run screaming in the opposite direction some days. Many days, in fact.

But that is normal. Normal for me, anyway. And the more blunt I am about the realities of being the mum, the more other mums want to tell me about their own experience, to say "Oh my god, I feel like that all the time! I thought I was the only one!". The more I talk (and laugh) about being a normal and entirely fallible mum, the more support I get. And the more chance I have to support others.


* "They" tend to be judgmental, opinionated arseholes, with no clue, and no right to impose an opinion on anybody. So there.

After reading a few online articles, and having a few interesting conversations lately, I have realised something a bit unpleasant. After years of feeling self-conscious about my body, of not feeling good enough, of being hugely critical of the way I look, I have finally seen that all the negative commentary in my life about my body comes from me.

I have a five year old daughter, and I care deeply that she should love herself, and her body, because she is a healthy, strong and wonderful human being, entirely deserving of love. But I don't extend that to myself. How will she believe me, when I don't?

I have been having this conversation over and over again these past few weeks with other women, and I have realised that I have some changes to make. I had been living my adult life with very little conscious understanding of what I am thinking and feeling and given that I like to think of myself as a thoughtful and aware human being, this has been really upsetting.

BUT.

This is where I am going to talk about this, and make sense of my thoughts, and maybe learn something useful.

S